roses4rosemarie

no bandaid
this time
the blood will just run
dry,
and scab over itelf

hey ever'body

check out www.chewyourown.com for a semi-regularly updated tour diary. it has totally rocked so far!!! i miss you ann arbor friends and lovers.

xoxoxo

wow. i just sold some books to a woman named katherine funk sholder. FUNK shoulder! i am amazed.

hello you bouncing, blinking turtledove springtime sunshine darling!!!! thank you for coming to our party! you make my hair swing, and my eyes dance, and my joy-injected little body want to lay out on the grass all day long. mwa!

almodovar's latest film is most excellent. :) you should see it. i bet i'd even go see it again with you if you asked me.

i was sailing downward again, in some mode of public transportation that was absolutely reasonable to take according to the others. were we in rome?--my housemates jonathan, laura and i... and it had been so long since i had seen a view that gripping, terrifying, myopic. we hopped into a rollercoasterish contraption not unlike a subway except that it went directly downward, tiled and quite aesthetically elegant and i was half-floating out of the seat as we made our way, which i was not entirely comfortable with, but closed-mouth about nonetheless. we landed fine. we got out, and went to eat some cake/flan from my grandmother's front yard that wasn't really her cake. it was a cake from berts ern, and rightfully belonged across the street at some other person's party. some other person who smiled and waved at the cake/flan delivery man, who (the latter) claimed he would cover for our thievery, and we walked away knowing we had tasted something much richer than ever would have been possible had we played strictly by the rules.

i find it peculiar that i had a dream like this so close after the discussion patrick and i had of our similarly themed dreams of childhood. hmmm... i must still be revolving.

good-ness!!! i've been having so much fun lately! in moderated bouts, of course. but yesterday was so so great making friends with my new 2-year old happy and wily pal, carter, at ambrosia, participating in the fair trade chocolate extravaganza/coopful of beautiful people that i love party/ incredible friendly vibrating light emanating itself from the great big bear hug heart-filling sky through the windows shattering my impenetrable plexiglass sadness/ single piercing arrow filtering out dead thought, and sorting through unwanted but completely lovable magazines all clanedestine where the magic floating off the elevator red and black haired lady gave me a pink cupcake with a kiss off of a silver tray besides!!!!

and the friends fund dinner of indian deliciousness, and the lame but forgivable storytelling fest, and meeting at midnight for a beer and a breath and darts and smoke in my eyes but so much to feel glad about, and walking home on the train tracks, like the time my dear j. set me on the path just like a child and told me to stay on til eventually i'd find my home, and then tea and guitar playing and bed, and sweet sleep. and the mischief in your eyes, and the laughter that encloses them. so gently like a fawn or a little black sheep or a muffin-top or a wooden flute. take your pick, they are all so lovely.

why is it that merely being alive between the hours of five and seven pm on sundays routinely feels like falling off a cliff?

in my dream last night, two rather suspicious male characters approached lester house as hana/christine and i sat on the front porch. "can we shovel your snow?" they ask collectively, or individually, teeth glinting, eyes widened with danger, dragging their copper shovels up closer to us. "Fuck you, you can't shovel our snow!" i express, knowing what they're really up to. they are after us, i know, they are going to try to rape us. at first i thought i was only getting nowhere, as i grabbed a shovel and hit one guy with it, moving in slow motion-quicksand, the futile sensation of running underwater helplessness, as the blow was dealt, barely a flicker in the recipient's eyes or stamina. but i was determined, and perhaps willed the other people who started to emerge from the house to do so, as i ran into it and called the police. then the bad men left.

i used to have dreams like this a lot when i was a kid...persecution complex? except in most of those dreams, it ended ambiguously, or with my being abducted. now i'm flexing my muscles and grinning at the sky.:) hello february!

today i ate a doughnut.

yesterday i met a man with a pompadour!!! AND a little red dog named sebastian
today ryan told me that he saw a squirrel eating a lollipop in the diag

i couldn't believe my luck.

how to calm my heartbeat
with this crazy paradox always chasing me down the street
i have gobs of time, it's oozing from my earlobes, it's dripping from my eyelids
without limit, without inhibition, i will come and go from it like i would come and go to bathe in a river i have always known and always will know
i have 5 minutes, i have 5 days, i have some time and time and time after that
but i have no time, no time!
i'm running, i'm racing, i'm struggling to keep up, i'm tearing my hair out, i'm laughing, i'm hysterical, i'm trying so hard and getting nowhere
time, you were never made of flesh and bone, you were a mirage, you would be with or without me, you would leave me alone, you would not even notice, you would pick me up and dance if you wished, you would show me myself and make me all aflutter, you would flick your wrist and make entire chronicles, populations and histories disappear, a beast, a brute, how you snag me!
AND you were always playing those nasty tricks
though some say it was not your fault,
only your nature

why are boys so complicated?

tranquil, at peace
having come to terms with mixed emotions
45 hallelujahs and a rosary besides
got some new players for the same old game
splattered loaded designs all over the newsprint
getting rich off the couple of kids asleep on the loveseat
trying to get rid of the horrible taste you leave me with
it's pleasure...or ugly

and the day ended in much the same way it began
walking to or from angell in the twilight, red-hearted sky that happened to grace both the morning and night

i left the scene thinking that it looked like a war zone
with my cracked hands dry and bleeding, tissues, papers, abstract thoughts tossed about
and then,

the jewel of a moment,
that pearled, blinking graciousness
between two apparent mountains,
the valley, the ripened light
these small secret chances
that are always and necessarily fleeting at best
maybe you'll glimpse it
your softened eyes might stretch out to grasp it
and it will flutter sweetly before you,
in moments so gentle
so rare, so slight
and worth a million.

there is a boy sitting across from me. but there is also a "parapet" between us so all i can see are these fabulous wisps of dark disheveled hair, tied into individual sections going every which way with bright strings of yellow, red, and green.... like a broom, like a fire, like a sleepy little duck, one of the best things of today by far, BY FAR.....

days of unrest,
stench of impunity
blindness, eyeless sight
speechless motions
corrugated heart throbs
puking suspicions
laced with black leather
a pound and a pinch of smoke
a skip and a beat
a club and a feather
and one swollen detriment
curbing that nautious notion
of feckless, prickled existence

pull that black throat back into your mouth
if your heart was a handgun you'd have used it
don't tell me this and that
don't fuck around
you woke up smiling too loud
teeth falling out of their sockets
eyes elbowing an assembly line of bread baskets
the skinny little one with the top hacked off
gave me an occasion to a cocktail party
bleeding turnips
roasted nostrils
chicks with their fluff matted down like a broken cattail
let's switch places
okay?

staring out the window at a red leather jacket
somebody you don't even know
but you think they might help somehow
they might make it better
you might get somewhere together

it hurts
how much i don't want to be writing this paper
pero todo sera mejor
por lo menos tengo la dulce violeta
y verdaderamente eso es mucho

what is my fucking problem
i can't sleep i can't sleep i can't sleep
except i started sleeping, and dreaming about a concentration camp
and that really disturbed me so i woke back up
maybe my room is too warm?
but if i open a window i will only catch a cold
guess i've condemned myself to helplessness

here are some nice things to talk about.

tonight i went to a dinner at the rad art house, where chipp stamped little purple stars all along my arm. and i drank lots of red wine, and ate a blue hubbard (i promise) squash, and greens, and fancy chocolate.
also, the thursday night show was a lot of fun! FUN!!!
and i have new music to listen to: animal collective, julie doiron and modest mouse.
and i talked to my mom today, i can't wait til thanksgiving. she is a very nice lady.

i started writing music again. maybe that's my problem. now my mind won't stop thinking. but overall, i think the music part is a good thing. it's just an endless cycle, really, where i really like a song when i first start writing it, and then when i finish it i might like it for a little while longer and then i sing it ALL THE TIME so it becomes overwhelmingly obnoxious and i feel compelled to start writing something else, if only to replace the current thing sloshing around in my head, and so i start writing....

i've felt so restless almost all day. i can't figure out what i want.

i wouldn't admit it anyway.